| a moment |
[18 Aug 2008|03:07am] |
at the convention.
there was a group of 3 or 4 people about my age
i fell in behind them as they were walking away from an exhibitor
the girl had her hand on the backpack of the boy next to her
he was talking to a friend on the other side
she moved up beside him, her hand brushing against his
he was holding a business card from the exhibitor in his hand
a few seconds passed and he moved the card to the other hand
as he brought his hand back he knew exactly where hers would be
and he took it is his
it happens to countless people everyday
but it made me really happy
i still believe in love
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[12 Aug 2008|12:55am] |
I've decided to release it.
My head and heart couldn't take anymore so I let go about a week ago.
Things seem clearer. And funnier. And more forgiveable... I feel less selfish and... better.
I hope it lasts. The only downside is that for now I am closed off. I had to block some heart and brain space.
Oh well. I have the willpower to move on.
...suck it
I feel like Emilee o_o
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| Temporarily |
[06 Aug 2008|01:01pm] |
At times my mind becomes trapped in a void. When it comes to letting my mind wander, I could spend an entire afternoon daydreaming. But those daydreams tend to focus on where I'd like to be and I've always been such a romantic that the place I want to be always involves someone else.
And so my mind is unable to look those coming in the future, and not allowed to look back to the past.
My dreams are temporarily stalled.
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[16 Jul 2008|03:27pm] |
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It is no longer up to me. In any case, thank you.
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[13 May 2008|01:55pm] |
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And even though I know... I can't help but wonder how much I mean to her when something that clearly bothers me to my core... she can't just not.
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[22 Apr 2008|09:48pm] |
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gah
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| For God. |
[15 Apr 2008|11:16pm] |
The tears around her eyes as she headed off to bed,
The way the look of the sidewalk on the way back down was exactly like the breeze I felt on my face.
The way it was completely not about us anymore
and I released it entirely to Him.
The way I feel like I wasn't paying a debt or working on a project
Its for her and for Him
The way a sun so many millions of miles away and the waves on the lake 50 meters ahead become one sunset.
The way it's never been harder for me to say anything without breaking out in tears.
The fact that I have no idea how things will end up
and that its not an easy way out when I say I'll be fine thanks to him
Its how I feel like I can survive and keep walking down his road
Its the overwhelming feeling of thanks I got after finally being able to talk about it.
The way I can see Him everywhere.
The way I've become
Where I don't need the flare and the worry.
I don't need tradition or pretend to convince myself.
I believe because I love and EVERYTHING else comes from that.
I can go on because I am never alone
It's the way a mom looks at her child
The feeling of holding the hand of the person you love
I owe him everything, but he won't ask for it.
And I am not REQUIRED to give it to him.
He will love me no matter what and I will love Him back.
And from THAT is where all the rest comes from.
Only through him can I stop the logical thoughts of self-benefit and do something truly. honestly. selfless and good.
The way you can see straight through a glass of water to the world on the other side.
and the way the lyrics to the song you're listening to can perfectly define exactly how you feel.
The glorious laughter of a good friend when what you said wasn't even funny.
And the way we both slid our hands between our backs and backpacks to be with someone who really. really cared.
The way my voice sounded once I let it go back to normal.
And the way a dozen meaningful questions didn't threaten my faith an inch.
They only made me realize that nothing will slow my faith.
Everything that happens to me will bring me closer to God.
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[07 Mar 2008|06:19pm] |
I don't remember how to be alone.
I always thought the socially dependent people were weak.
I still think that.
I'm weak. And bored. And I think too much when this happens.
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[07 Mar 2008|08:25am] |
No. This isn't over yet. But I will stop talking about it.
It's gotten to the point where the tangled weaving of emotions and worries can only be comprehended by herself and myself. I'm not saying I'll fight until I die, but I'm going to tell you now that the things I do are not futile.
I'm sorry to have pulled others into this. Earlier on, my view on it wasn't so complex and I needed the help of others. But I think from here on, I may need to carry on alone.
Thanks to those who help me. But from this point, I think I may need to move independently.
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[06 Mar 2008|11:32pm] |
correction.
Michael Scott said "Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way?"
also... "Well if you like her so much, don't give up." "Never ever ever give up"
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[06 Mar 2008|12:55am] |
Oh livejournal. Have I got a tale to tell this evening.....
The Peace Corps pwn3d me today. By putting responsible, frightening thoughts about the future into my former girlfriend's head and ending the shortest relationship ever...
Michael Scott once said "If two people love eachother, nothing should stand in their way."
Well... agreed.
The melancholy has started to hit me. I was laughing at first. I thought I'd be okay, that this had happened enough by now for me to have adjusted to being picked up and dropped repeatedly. But now I'm just starting to miss her. And there is so much I want to tell her, because she's become such a huge factor and presence in my life over such a short amount of time.
But I told her I wouldn't call her for a couple of days.
I told her not to dwell on it. To finish her homework and take a break from me.
So now. Two people who love one another. Will continue to spend time with one another. And pretend that things are different. It seems destined to fail. But there was no way I'd be able to cut her out of my life. Not after all this.
But now what does my next move become? Do I show no respect for her decision and try to convince her I'm worth it? Or do I go on pretending, trying to get back to the point of acceptance I had been at(BUT!!!! That point of acceptance was under the impression that she had no feelings for me, a conception I no longer have........ and so perhaps such a state is unattainable)
Luckily she's is truly excellent at hiding her emotions, and will most likely be doing so for a time. While I on the other hand, will most likely be doing quite the opposite, smiling and staring as I always do.
Once again. Thanks to everyone who helps me out amidst this stuff. Without people to lean on, I'd stop functioning.
Alright. Now I've talked myself into sad. It's a nice sad, though.
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[28 Feb 2008|09:31am] |
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So...... today will be a very long, very anxious day. GGAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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[26 Feb 2008|11:42pm] |
My life...
Is good.
MY LIFE IS AMAZING! I have so many countless blessings.
I am so lucky to be where and who I am.
I have to let myself realize as much and stop overthinking.
I have to let myself enjoy my amazing life.
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[19 Feb 2008|02:10pm] |
Blah.
Im okay again.
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| Warning: Contains sappy, detailed, melancholy. |
[13 Feb 2008|07:24pm] |
Some of this may be overexaggerated. But I just took a nap and I tend to think too much when I sleep.
I miss her.
I miss her when she's not around. And I miss her when I'm staring straight at her beautiful eyes.
I miss the way things had been... thinking back to how VERY close we had been. How we'd lie there for hours on end. The way she'd look up at me and how she can always give the world a genuine smile.
She is so happy and so cheery at every moment, yet could become so passionate and intimate.
That look... the look that I could only imagine had been one of apology. Like she had wanted to want the same as I did. but simply never got there.
Her bright eyes and the way her face just beams when she smiles.
And maybe I don't truly know anything, having only had it for such a short time and even during that time she never did accept me or acknowledge me. But I did fall in love, as even though I tried I haven't yet been able to fall out.
And so I am waiting, pushing these thoughts into corners to maintain my sanity. Because if I let myself go on the way I had been under current circumstances, I would become a shell. I would wander and I would not function as I need to.
An enormous thanks to everyone who has helped me through this, whether knowing they were or not.
So now I go out into the world, knowing there is something dwelling within, but not looking deeper. And whenever I see the other guy. the new guy. the possible guy. I have no choice but to paste over my true face and put on a mask from before this. I dont want her to feel bad. ever. I want her to shine for eternity and light up the world with her spirit. but this one hurts.
I never even got a chance. I failed before it started. And now I'm just a mask again. Thank God there are times I can take that mask off because if I kept it in like I always had before, it would decay my insides.
blah. sorry. i make it sound worse than it is. i do miss her though.
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[07 Feb 2008|01:18pm] |
For some reason my defenses are down every morning when I wake up.
Once Im up and about Im back to fine.
Mornings are tough.
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| This week it begins for the end. |
[05 Feb 2008|05:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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Pushed over the edge, floating |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Fall of Troy |
] |
I'm going to stop littering the world with my despair and gloom.
I'm giving my best wishes to those who have wronged me, intentionally or otherwise.
And my sincerest apologies to those who I have wronged in turn.
I love her but it's quite clear what's going on.
Welcome back, old self.
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| A Fine Frenzy |
[29 Jan 2008|10:24am] |
The song I can't help but want more than anything for her to sing:
He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back
Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
He's disappearing
Fading suddelly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
Yet, I'm better near to you.
And the song I hope to God I never have to, but fear that I may....................:
Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images
No
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
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[27 Jan 2008|11:41pm] |
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Because each time she smiles I see that impossible glimmer of hope that only I see.
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[03 Jan 2008|02:31pm] |
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I am never as happy or having as much fun as when...
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